The people whom you have the most contact with and hang around will have either a positive or negative effect on your levels of self-esteem and confidence, which in turns effects how you interact with those most important to you.

We all know those people who are positive, happy and joyful to be around. How do they make you feel?  Yes, they make you feel the same! They can put zest into a boring atmosphere and can fill the room with positive, can do vibes that has noticeable effect onto everyone else.

We also know of those people who could are just the opposite! They never had the opportunities, they are always putting people down, they don’t like others to be successful, they are jealous and are negative thinkers - need I go on! These people drain your energy and bring you down to their level, a million miles away from the level that YOU want to be operating and where you need to be to be a full benefit to yourself and those you care about!

So what should you do to make sure that the people who you hang around with empower and support what you stand for rather than bring you down all of the time?

1. You have the power to choose who you hang around with. Ideally you want happy, vibrant and positive people.
2. If you have good friends who are negative and yet you still want to hang around them, make a point of letting them know how you feel – if they are a true friend they will respect you for this. If they are negative from time to time just acknowledge that this is what they are like and block out the negativity.
3. The same can be said with family. Your more mature family members have behaviours that have been conditioned for years and years and from different eras. Appreciate where they have come from and as mentioned above, elicit and select the information that filters through to your brain.
4. Remember, that nothing has meaning in life except the meaning that you give it.

An important step for busy women is to begin to focus on your self-care and doing what is necessary to make sure that those around you are the people that are going to enhance and improve your life not be an additional burden.  Remember, choose those who are important to you to be the ones who have any influence on your life.

Take Action Challenge

Take 5 minutes during the next 7 days to think about who is an energy drainer in your life and build a three step action plan to make the changes so they are no longer an energy drain!

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How can you confidently respond when someone makes a request you’d prefer not to accommodate?

A request has just been posed. Was your inclination to say yes, even though there’s a voice deep down saying “no.” If this is true for you then it’s time to take a step back and figure out why you’re saying “yes” when your true self is telling you to say “no”. Possible reasons and honest reasons for saying “no” could be: It’s beyond your means, your comfort level or maybe you simply have no interest, what are some of the reasons you have for saying “no”. Take a moment to write down all of the reasons your inner voice wants to say know, now take a look at that list and identify which of those reasons stem from lack of confidence versus a sincere disinterest in fulfilling the request.

What would happen if you said yes to the request? Maybe you’d be considered a team player, or it might make your boss happy, maybe your visibility to senior management would improve, or maybe the Parent Advisory Committee at school would appreciate you handling the project…the list could go on. One way to determine if saying “no” is the way you should go answer this question before saying yes or no;

Would the discomfort involved in saying yes outweigh the benefits of possibly going along with the request?

Saying “no” is hard for many people, guilt often comes into play and whether your guilt has its foundation in your religion, spiritual belief, or upbringing. Maybe it’s just a world view that simply says “it’s not nice to say no”, whether we want to admit to it or not we often make decision we’d rather not be making based upon it.

Saying “NO”

You’ve made the decision, after contemplating the question above and you’ve decided to say no, do so honestly, clearly and self assuredly. If saying no is really difficult for you try practicing in the mirror, say it to your self, build your confidence, look yourself in the eye and just say “no”. Say it like you really mean it, and then say it again as you would to whomever is making the request. Take note, when you pretend you’re speaking to the person who made the request does it come out differently? Practice and experiment with how you say no until you find a way that becomes comfortable for you.

After you say “NO”

If you’re used to giving in to others, then guess what? After all that practice, you may just be surprised to find that they are not willing to accept it! They may push, rephrase the question, or make a new, not altogether different, request. Be prepared for this! Know your boundary-what ARE you willing to do? Revisit the questions you asked yourself before-what would happen if you said no, or yes? Initially, it will be a difficult thing to do, but do whatever you can to not give in to the person’s request, respect yourself and your needs and desires you deserve just as much as the next person. If they continue to push tell the individual making the request that you would appreciate it if they respected your wishes, and ask them to refrain from pursuing it further. If you are comfortable expressing your “reasons why” then do so speaking from your personal perspective.

Tips on how to say your “NO!”

The “Wet lettuce NO”

If you are going to say NO, you must say it in a way that means NO! Saying NO in a quiet, unassuming voice is like a hand shake that is floppy and limp.  By saying NO in a non confident manner it will make you feel as though you have got to convince the other person about your decision and the reasons why you have said it!

The “Mr Angry NO”

This is at the other end of the spectrum in how to say NO. It is done in an aggressive manner and usually said with contempt.  It is not an effective way to communicate your NO.

Here are a couple of examples:

• “NO. I’m not doing that rubbish. You’ve got to be joking aren’t you”
• “NO. I wouldn’t lower myself to do that piece of work”

The assertive NO

This is the best way to say no. In a firm, yet polite voice say, “No. I will not be able to do that for you”. Also, if you want to say the reasons why, keep it short and sweet such as, “No. I will not be able to do that for you. I will be having my hair done at that time”

Use effective body language. When saying NO remember the power of non-verbal communications. Look the person in the eye when you say the NO. Shake your head at the same time as saying NO. Stand up tall. Use a firm tone in your voice. Don’t forget that when anyone asks a question of you, you are perfectly OK to say, “Can I think about that and get back to you” No-one should be pressurized into giving an immediate answer, even if the delay is only a couple of minutes. It will give you some time to think it through and to gather your thoughts. It will also give you some time to think about how you are going to say it, the words to use and your body language.

The 7 day Just Say No Challenge

What I would like you to do for the next 7 days is to start to say NO more often. So whether it is the double glazing salesman, the cold call, “Would you like fries with that” or the shop assistant - practice saying NO to one person for at least the next 7 days. You will be an expert come the end of the week! Come back and make a comment, I’d love to hear how it went!

Potential Outcomes after the 7 day challenge

• You will feel much more confident and proud.
• You will find that practice makes perfect-the more you confidently say “NO” the easier it becomes.
• Others will respect your wishes and take you seriously the first time you say “NO.”
• You won’t find yourself doing things you never wanted to do in the first place.
• You’ll have more time to focus on the things you do want to be involved in.

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If you change the way you look at things; the things you look at change - Dr. Wayne Dyer

Can it really be that simple?  Simply changing your thought patterns can have a dramatic effect on your outlook and how you interact with others.  My friend Peggy Richardson of the Editor’s Blog at Humanus Publishing recent interviewed Jeri-Lynn McCrae, author of Words in Action where they discussed attitude and it got me thinking that it’s a very interesting topic.

Once you decide to make a concerted effort to no longer have a negative attitude you have to work very hard initially not to let someone elses attitude affect yours.  It’s easy to slip back into old patterns, but should you find yourself falling back to your bad attitude pause, take a moment and make a consious effort to refocus your thoughts.  Think of something that makes you smile and if you need to leave the situation so you’re no longer exposed to the influence.

Here are some tips for helping to adjust your attitude:

• Pay Attention - Do you have habits that are unconcious; something you do and don’t even realize you’re doing it?  Do you do the same with your attitude?  Think about it do you revert into the victim or whiner simply because it’s what you’re use too and it comes easy?  It’s time to begin noticing and make the concious effort to change.
• Impact - Now that you’re beginning to pay attention to your attitude, take notice of what kind of impact your attitude is having on others.  Your choice of attitude will determine the outcome of any result.
• Change your vocabulary - Make a decision now to remove any inhibiting words that can effect your attitude.  Remove the following words:
  • Try - It’s not possible to try to do something, either you’re doing it or not.
  • Can’t - Can’t is often used when someone doesn’t know how to do something or they don’t want to do it.  Either acknowledge that you don’t know how to do it and ask for help  or admit that you really don’t want to do it.

While making the choice to change ones attitude can seem simple, until it becomes a new way of living, make the efffort to pay attention to your attitude and change it as needed.

CALL TO ACTION

For the next 24 hours, keep your attitude positive and see how your view point changes.

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Okay don’t despair, it’s a catchy title from an interesting book by Tim Ferris.  The Four-Hour Work Week seems a bit of stretch to me, considering that I’m building a thriving coaching business, while assisting my husband in building his fly fishing education programs with his business, Rp3 Fishing Adventures and School, but a great life work balance can be achieved and found for each of us.  I can see the possibility of a 20 hour work week though!

The truth and reality is that to find a better work life balance it’s important, vitally important to be really clear on your personal vision and mission in life.  If you’re not then you need to get there, as a personal lifestyle coach part of my mission is to work with clients who are working on getting clear on their own vision and mission to life.  A personal mission statement gets you clear on whom you are and what you want to accomplish in life, if you keep your mission statement clear in your mind decisions you make everyday become easier.  Commitments you once felt obligate to keep are no longer important simply because they don’t help you meet your greater picture and because you are working towards your better life you begin to focus on what is really, truly important to you.

Tim Ferris writes about his drive to his Four-Hour work week and his book has many useful tips on ways you can begin to live your life in better balance and live a life worthy of your most important desires.  It’s not about fitting into any particular mould, each one of us has different desires dreams and goals.  One of mine and my husband’s – after my step-son graduates (in 2012), liquate everything we have purchase a second hand class “A” motor home and travel North America. The nice thing is I’m still able to do what I love, coaching fantastic clients helping them achieve their dreams, as well as enjoy life in a better balance for what works for me. While my husband gets to fly fish and educate others on the wonderful sport of fly fishing (find out about his classes here – yes it’s a plug LOL!)

To achieve such a lofty goal my husband and have downsized, reduced our expense right now, and each of us are focusing of building our businesses so we can have the necessary income to support our dream.  For right now this helps us get to our ultimate dream and in the meantime since both us have the flexibility to be homebased we can support each other and still live a balance life for us…..

What about you?  What’s your ultimate dream, how would your time be spent and balanced?  If you’re not sure sign up for my newsletter (sign up to the right)  and receive the complimentary assessment “Are you the lead or understudy to your life”, only you can determine what will work best for you, but the assistance of a coach can help to clarify your mission.

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Much about being a coach is listening to our client and essentially “reading between the lines”, since much of what a coach does is over the phone an ability to be a strong active listener is very important. Recently, I discovered that interpretation of words can have a profound effect on how one reacts to a particular situation. Many people today find it easy to blame someone else for their issues, some will even blame it on the dog, people will find every opportunity to blame someone or something else before they lay the blame on themselves.

When you choose to blame someone rather take ownership of the issue you’re handing over all control of the situation to someone else. If you choose to lay blame, you’ve now decided that what has been done didn’t have anything to do with you, but at the same time the follow result or resolution will also have nothing to do with you. You lose any control in the situation or outcome and can only accept what happens. On the other hand should you decide to take responsibility for your impact in the situation you then become an active participant in the solution and in turn deciding the outcome of the situation. From there you can decide to continue to have continued participation or you can make a conscious decision to move away from the situation and live life on your terms.

Living an extraordinary life means choosing the best result for you which will lead to better living.

If you’re interested in learning more about coaching and how it can have a profound effect on your life then contact me today!

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It might seem counter intuitive to be speaking about being selfish in an attempt to make your life better, but in reality it’s what you need to do. I look at it as a good first step. To take a word coined by Thomas Leonard call it Selfuness. Taking care of yourself and your time is an important element to ensure that you have the time to give to others. Some think that to be a nice person and to be a generous person you must always be willing to give, give, give, but unfortunately that leads to exhaustion, burn-out and potentially a variety of health issues that you would probably prefer not to have to deal with.

So here’s some easy steps for becoming Selfish or Selfulness:

1. Know what you want and so.
2. Being selfish is often a first step in getting your needs met and helping you build a reserve, allowing you to give back and be generous with others
3. Stop hanging around folks who aren’t “Selfish” - those people who build their identity on trying to “do good” all of the time. For you to be generous with others you need to take care of yourself first
4. Remove all negative thoughts around being selfish. Yes being selfish can include your ego, but this is not what this is about. Focus on your betterment to make things better for others.
5. Say no, just because you feel like it. It can be incredibly liberating once you do!

To learn more about this tool for living, check out one of these books

• The Portable Coach: 28 Sure Fire Strategies For Business And Personal Success

• Stand Up for Your Life: A Practical Step-by-Step Plan to Build Inner Confidence and Personal Power

And to close off:

“One of the greatest diseases is to be nobody to anybody.”
- Mother Teresa

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To introduce you to some of the elements of my coaching style I’m going to be writing a variety of articles of concepts and tools for living that I find necessary to have a successful life.  This is about living life on your terms and not someone else’s.  It’s about living up to your expectations and letting go to the nagging voices that say you aren’t doing what you’re suppose to do.  It’s about you and you living extraordinary.  In the upcoming weeks, I’ll write about key tools and concepts that will help you live extraordinary!

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