How can you confidently respond when someone makes a request you’d prefer not to accommodate?

A request has just been posed. Was your inclination to say yes, even though there’s a voice deep down saying “no.” If this is true for you then it’s time to take a step back and figure out why you’re saying “yes” when your true self is telling you to say “no”. Possible reasons and honest reasons for saying “no” could be: It’s beyond your means, your comfort level or maybe you simply have no interest, what are some of the reasons you have for saying “no”. Take a moment to write down all of the reasons your inner voice wants to say know, now take a look at that list and identify which of those reasons stem from lack of confidence versus a sincere disinterest in fulfilling the request.

What would happen if you said yes to the request? Maybe you’d be considered a team player, or it might make your boss happy, maybe your visibility to senior management would improve, or maybe the Parent Advisory Committee at school would appreciate you handling the project…the list could go on. One way to determine if saying “no” is the way you should go answer this question before saying yes or no;

Would the discomfort involved in saying yes outweigh the benefits of possibly going along with the request?

Saying “no” is hard for many people, guilt often comes into play and whether your guilt has its foundation in your religion, spiritual belief, or upbringing. Maybe it’s just a world view that simply says “it’s not nice to say no”, whether we want to admit to it or not we often make decision we’d rather not be making based upon it.

Saying “NO”

You’ve made the decision, after contemplating the question above and you’ve decided to say no, do so honestly, clearly and self assuredly. If saying no is really difficult for you try practicing in the mirror, say it to your self, build your confidence, look yourself in the eye and just say “no”. Say it like you really mean it, and then say it again as you would to whomever is making the request. Take note, when you pretend you’re speaking to the person who made the request does it come out differently? Practice and experiment with how you say no until you find a way that becomes comfortable for you.

After you say “NO”

If you’re used to giving in to others, then guess what? After all that practice, you may just be surprised to find that they are not willing to accept it! They may push, rephrase the question, or make a new, not altogether different, request. Be prepared for this! Know your boundary-what ARE you willing to do? Revisit the questions you asked yourself before-what would happen if you said no, or yes? Initially, it will be a difficult thing to do, but do whatever you can to not give in to the person’s request, respect yourself and your needs and desires you deserve just as much as the next person. If they continue to push tell the individual making the request that you would appreciate it if they respected your wishes, and ask them to refrain from pursuing it further. If you are comfortable expressing your “reasons why” then do so speaking from your personal perspective.

Tips on how to say your “NO!”

The “Wet lettuce NO”

If you are going to say NO, you must say it in a way that means NO! Saying NO in a quiet, unassuming voice is like a hand shake that is floppy and limp.  By saying NO in a non confident manner it will make you feel as though you have got to convince the other person about your decision and the reasons why you have said it!

The “Mr Angry NO”

This is at the other end of the spectrum in how to say NO. It is done in an aggressive manner and usually said with contempt.  It is not an effective way to communicate your NO.

Here are a couple of examples:

• “NO. I’m not doing that rubbish. You’ve got to be joking aren’t you”
• “NO. I wouldn’t lower myself to do that piece of work”

The assertive NO

This is the best way to say no. In a firm, yet polite voice say, “No. I will not be able to do that for you”. Also, if you want to say the reasons why, keep it short and sweet such as, “No. I will not be able to do that for you. I will be having my hair done at that time”

Use effective body language. When saying NO remember the power of non-verbal communications. Look the person in the eye when you say the NO. Shake your head at the same time as saying NO. Stand up tall. Use a firm tone in your voice. Don’t forget that when anyone asks a question of you, you are perfectly OK to say, “Can I think about that and get back to you” No-one should be pressurized into giving an immediate answer, even if the delay is only a couple of minutes. It will give you some time to think it through and to gather your thoughts. It will also give you some time to think about how you are going to say it, the words to use and your body language.

The 7 day Just Say No Challenge

What I would like you to do for the next 7 days is to start to say NO more often. So whether it is the double glazing salesman, the cold call, “Would you like fries with that” or the shop assistant - practice saying NO to one person for at least the next 7 days. You will be an expert come the end of the week! Come back and make a comment, I’d love to hear how it went!

Potential Outcomes after the 7 day challenge

• You will feel much more confident and proud.
• You will find that practice makes perfect-the more you confidently say “NO” the easier it becomes.
• Others will respect your wishes and take you seriously the first time you say “NO.”
• You won’t find yourself doing things you never wanted to do in the first place.
• You’ll have more time to focus on the things you do want to be involved in.

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Okay don’t despair, it’s a catchy title from an interesting book by Tim Ferris.  The Four-Hour Work Week seems a bit of stretch to me, considering that I’m building a thriving coaching business, while assisting my husband in building his fly fishing education programs with his business, Rp3 Fishing Adventures and School, but a great life work balance can be achieved and found for each of us.  I can see the possibility of a 20 hour work week though!

The truth and reality is that to find a better work life balance it’s important, vitally important to be really clear on your personal vision and mission in life.  If you’re not then you need to get there, as a personal lifestyle coach part of my mission is to work with clients who are working on getting clear on their own vision and mission to life.  A personal mission statement gets you clear on whom you are and what you want to accomplish in life, if you keep your mission statement clear in your mind decisions you make everyday become easier.  Commitments you once felt obligate to keep are no longer important simply because they don’t help you meet your greater picture and because you are working towards your better life you begin to focus on what is really, truly important to you.

Tim Ferris writes about his drive to his Four-Hour work week and his book has many useful tips on ways you can begin to live your life in better balance and live a life worthy of your most important desires.  It’s not about fitting into any particular mould, each one of us has different desires dreams and goals.  One of mine and my husband’s – after my step-son graduates (in 2012), liquate everything we have purchase a second hand class “A” motor home and travel North America. The nice thing is I’m still able to do what I love, coaching fantastic clients helping them achieve their dreams, as well as enjoy life in a better balance for what works for me. While my husband gets to fly fish and educate others on the wonderful sport of fly fishing (find out about his classes here – yes it’s a plug LOL!)

To achieve such a lofty goal my husband and have downsized, reduced our expense right now, and each of us are focusing of building our businesses so we can have the necessary income to support our dream.  For right now this helps us get to our ultimate dream and in the meantime since both us have the flexibility to be homebased we can support each other and still live a balance life for us…..

What about you?  What’s your ultimate dream, how would your time be spent and balanced?  If you’re not sure sign up for my newsletter (sign up to the right)  and receive the complimentary assessment “Are you the lead or understudy to your life”, only you can determine what will work best for you, but the assistance of a coach can help to clarify your mission.

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In Context magazine wrote an article in 1990 called “A Question of Lifestyle“, I learned where the term lifesytle was coined, but more than that what drove me to continue reading was the 30 or so questions asked about our lifestyle choices….some of the questions that got me thinking were:

1. If you didn’t need to work for income, what would you do with your time?
2. What is the smallest amount of money you could live on for one year?
3. What was the last thing you bought that you really didn’t need? Why did you buy it?
4. What would you estimate to be the total weight of all your possessions?
5. Where, how, and why do you travel?  What do you give to the places you visit? What do you bring home?

What about you?  Have you taken time to figure out what matters to you most, and if not when will you?

PS:  Thanks to Louise from Our Odyssey blog for guiding me to the article.

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