Book cover via Amazon

I’m a strong believer in the concept that all things will be provided for you as long as you choose to observe or listen.  Now I’ll admit that I’m often slow on the uptake when it comes to something beating over the head telling me I should pay attention.   This one has made it so obvious to me that I simply couldn’t ignore it.

About a two months ago I came across my first contact and then in the past week have come across the same thing 3 more times, 2 of which have happened in the last twenty-four hours.  Both of which came to me through my Google Reader Account (My shared items can be found here), the first was from the blog of Jeri-Lyn McRae and author of Words of Wisdom, she published her post on August 15, 2008 and the second was from Carolyn Townes, she published her post on August 14, 2008.

So I said to the Unverse, “Universe, I get it! I’ll go and read the book!”

I’ll be making a trip to the bookstore in the not too distant future.   What I’m speaking about is a book written by don Miguel Ruiz called The Four Agreements, from looking at the book at the bookstore it’s a small, slim volume that speaks to Four Agreements we should have with ourselves for a more fulfilling life.

“In these agreements we tell ourselves who we are, how to behave, what is possible, what is impossible.”  - quoted from Don Miguel’s Website

On don Miguel Ruiz’s site there is a short write up of the four agreements and each of them speaks loudly to me, providing me more motivation to go and purchase the book and I’ve taken the liberty to post them here, but all credit goes to don Miguel Ruiz.

1. Be Impeccable With Your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.

TAKE ACTION CHALLENGE:

What’s been hitting you over the head telling you take action?  If you haven’t make an agreement with yourself that you’ll act on it in the next 7 days!

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How can you confidently respond when someone makes a request you’d prefer not to accommodate?

A request has just been posed. Was your inclination to say yes, even though there’s a voice deep down saying “no.” If this is true for you then it’s time to take a step back and figure out why you’re saying “yes” when your true self is telling you to say “no”. Possible reasons and honest reasons for saying “no” could be: It’s beyond your means, your comfort level or maybe you simply have no interest, what are some of the reasons you have for saying “no”. Take a moment to write down all of the reasons your inner voice wants to say know, now take a look at that list and identify which of those reasons stem from lack of confidence versus a sincere disinterest in fulfilling the request.

What would happen if you said yes to the request? Maybe you’d be considered a team player, or it might make your boss happy, maybe your visibility to senior management would improve, or maybe the Parent Advisory Committee at school would appreciate you handling the project…the list could go on. One way to determine if saying “no” is the way you should go answer this question before saying yes or no;

Would the discomfort involved in saying yes outweigh the benefits of possibly going along with the request?

Saying “no” is hard for many people, guilt often comes into play and whether your guilt has its foundation in your religion, spiritual belief, or upbringing. Maybe it’s just a world view that simply says “it’s not nice to say no”, whether we want to admit to it or not we often make decision we’d rather not be making based upon it.

Saying “NO”

You’ve made the decision, after contemplating the question above and you’ve decided to say no, do so honestly, clearly and self assuredly. If saying no is really difficult for you try practicing in the mirror, say it to your self, build your confidence, look yourself in the eye and just say “no”. Say it like you really mean it, and then say it again as you would to whomever is making the request. Take note, when you pretend you’re speaking to the person who made the request does it come out differently? Practice and experiment with how you say no until you find a way that becomes comfortable for you.

After you say “NO”

If you’re used to giving in to others, then guess what? After all that practice, you may just be surprised to find that they are not willing to accept it! They may push, rephrase the question, or make a new, not altogether different, request. Be prepared for this! Know your boundary-what ARE you willing to do? Revisit the questions you asked yourself before-what would happen if you said no, or yes? Initially, it will be a difficult thing to do, but do whatever you can to not give in to the person’s request, respect yourself and your needs and desires you deserve just as much as the next person. If they continue to push tell the individual making the request that you would appreciate it if they respected your wishes, and ask them to refrain from pursuing it further. If you are comfortable expressing your “reasons why” then do so speaking from your personal perspective.

Tips on how to say your “NO!”

The “Wet lettuce NO”

If you are going to say NO, you must say it in a way that means NO! Saying NO in a quiet, unassuming voice is like a hand shake that is floppy and limp.  By saying NO in a non confident manner it will make you feel as though you have got to convince the other person about your decision and the reasons why you have said it!

The “Mr Angry NO”

This is at the other end of the spectrum in how to say NO. It is done in an aggressive manner and usually said with contempt.  It is not an effective way to communicate your NO.

Here are a couple of examples:

• “NO. I’m not doing that rubbish. You’ve got to be joking aren’t you”
• “NO. I wouldn’t lower myself to do that piece of work”

The assertive NO

This is the best way to say no. In a firm, yet polite voice say, “No. I will not be able to do that for you”. Also, if you want to say the reasons why, keep it short and sweet such as, “No. I will not be able to do that for you. I will be having my hair done at that time”

Use effective body language. When saying NO remember the power of non-verbal communications. Look the person in the eye when you say the NO. Shake your head at the same time as saying NO. Stand up tall. Use a firm tone in your voice. Don’t forget that when anyone asks a question of you, you are perfectly OK to say, “Can I think about that and get back to you” No-one should be pressurized into giving an immediate answer, even if the delay is only a couple of minutes. It will give you some time to think it through and to gather your thoughts. It will also give you some time to think about how you are going to say it, the words to use and your body language.

The 7 day Just Say No Challenge

What I would like you to do for the next 7 days is to start to say NO more often. So whether it is the double glazing salesman, the cold call, “Would you like fries with that” or the shop assistant - practice saying NO to one person for at least the next 7 days. You will be an expert come the end of the week! Come back and make a comment, I’d love to hear how it went!

Potential Outcomes after the 7 day challenge

• You will feel much more confident and proud.
• You will find that practice makes perfect-the more you confidently say “NO” the easier it becomes.
• Others will respect your wishes and take you seriously the first time you say “NO.”
• You won’t find yourself doing things you never wanted to do in the first place.
• You’ll have more time to focus on the things you do want to be involved in.

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To introduce you to some of the elements of my coaching style I’m going to be writing a variety of articles of concepts and tools for living that I find necessary to have a successful life.  This is about living life on your terms and not someone else’s.  It’s about living up to your expectations and letting go to the nagging voices that say you aren’t doing what you’re suppose to do.  It’s about you and you living extraordinary.  In the upcoming weeks, I’ll write about key tools and concepts that will help you live extraordinary!

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